P.O.W. I always had this idea that acupuncture would feel really good.
"The needles don't hurt" people would say.
"Clears blockages along the meridians in the body" advertisements would declare.
'Sounds sweet', thought I.
Not so. Not so.
I always walk away from a session feeling like a prisoner of war who rubs his captor the wrong way.
The last session broke new ground for me. Electricity.
If you don't know, I am terrified of electricity. It's invisible. It's impossibly fast. It kills painfully. That says it all.
Lying face down with the back needled nicely, I hear this:
"I'm just going to run some low frequency electricity through you."
"Say what?"
"It won't hurt because it's low frequency."
"Uh..."
"Ok. I'm starting it now."
Click. Sickening humming sound. Unsettling tingly-prickly sensation. Frequency adjusted.
"OH HOLY MOTHER OF F---!!" Cried at a frequency too high for any but the Almighty to hear.
Thinking to myself, 'I can take it. Just breathe through it. Owwww. Alright, breathing's out. Think about the ocean. You're Aquaman. Swimming like a son'bitch. Leaping out of the water like dolphins wish they could. Why the hell is there a harpoon in my back? Oh, yeah.
Waiting for Dr. Tom to stop the madness, he, instead, shuts off the light and leaves the room for ten minutes. "Mother!" *spot-on Daffy Duck impression*
Well, now I know what a monstrous, ten minute, muscle spasm feels like.
Surprisingly, quite awful.
When that ordeal was over, I roll onto my back for round two of 'puncture the Pennykid'.
Sticks one in my wrist that feels like he cut off my hand. A deep, dull, throbbing pain.
Shuts off the light and leaves the room for twenty minutes.
Pain increases and holds steady for the duration. Longest friggin' twenty minutes ever. When he returned I was dangerously dehydrated from all the tears spilt.
Everytime I go there I'm emasculated.
From mucho macho, to three times a lady. Damn.  ¶ 10:55 a.m.